There’s not a lot you can do about the size of your penis just like there’s not a lot you can do about how tall you are or whether your eyes are blue or brown. That’s okay. A lot of men feel pressure to have a big penis. We’ve been told big is what partners want and fed some unrealistic images about male anatomy (porn anyone?) over our lives. But it’s not reality.

Most penises are smaller than you think they are. When surveyed, men say they believe the average penis size is 6 inches. It’s not. In fact, the average penis is about around 3.4 inches long when it’s flaccid (soft) and 5.5 inches long when it’s erect (hard).

This means that your penis is bigger than average, but it wouldn’t matter even if it weren’t. Whether you’re having vaginal sex, oral sex, or anal sex, most partners don’t want or need a really big penis to enjoy sex. Some partners may even find having sex with people with very large penises uncomfortable.

As a society, we’re kind of obsessed with all things bigger. We want bigger burgers, bigger houses, bigger cars, and of course, bigger penises. There are people who will try to make money off this bigger-is-always-better attitude. They will offer to sell you products, pills, or even surgeries designed to make your penis longer or wider. Most of these don’t work, and some come with potential serious side effects like erectile dysfunction or orgasm problems.

Instead of worrying about getting a bigger penis, spend time increasing the pleasure that you get from the one you have. Try some new masturbation techniques, buy a new sex toy, or ask your partner what you could do to bring them some pleasure.

—Martha Kempner, MA