Thanks for reaching out. It’s great that you’re thinking about whether your partner will feel pleasure too. That is a really important part of any sexual relationship. You don’t mention whether you’re planning on having vaginal or anal intercourse, so we’ll answer the question for both.

The first time a person has vaginal sex it may hurt for a few reasons. Your partner may still have an intact hymen. This is a membrane that covers the opening to the vagina when a person is born. Many people break or stretch their hymen before they ever have sex by riding a bike, using a tampon, or playing sports. If that hasn’t happened, the hymen may break when you’re having sex for the first time. This can hurt a little especially at first. It may also bleed.

Even if there isn’t a hymen, sex might still hurt the first time (or first few times). The vagina is a muscle. It is meant to stretch when something goes in it (a penis or a tampon) and when something comes out (a baby). If your partner hasn’t had sex before, your penis is probably the biggest thing that has gone into it, and that stretching can feel uncomfortable at first.

There are a few things that can make vaginal sex more comfortable for your partner. You should use lubricant. You can buy lube in the drug store or online. Look for water- or silicone-based lube because these are good for use with condoms. Lube will make things more slippery which makes penetration easier.

Also go slowly and keep checking in with your partner about whether they are comfortable or if it hurts. If it hurts you could stop for a little while, add more lube, and try again. You should also ask your partner where they liked to be touched. Some women feel pleasure from penis-in-vagina sex alone, but many like to be touched in other places like the clitoris. The clitoris is part of the vulva that has a lot of nerve ends and usually feels good when touched.

If you’re planning to have anal sex, the advice is mostly the same. The anus may also hurt when it’s stretched and doesn’t make any lubrication of its own. Using a lot of lube is very important.

We also have to remind you about how important it is to protect yourself and your partner from pregnancy (if you’re having penis-in-vagina sex) and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Condoms can protect against both STIs and pregnancy. You can get condoms in a drug store or online. There are also places that give condoms out for free. You can check at your school or your local health department.

Finally, we want to congratulate you for talking to your partner about what the two of you want to do and getting their consent in advance. Consent is one of the most important parts of a sexual relationship. Couples should never do anything that both partners haven’t said to yes to, and no one should ever feel pressure to do anything they don’t want to do. The best way to make sure of this is to talk about what you will and won’t do in advance. You and your partner have already done that, which is great.

—ASHA Staff