Build Bridges
These techniques have helped other parents improve communication with their children.

• Discover and explain why talking about sexuality may be difficult.
• There are many reasons why parents hesitate to talk about sexuality.
• A parent may:
  
  • Feel embarrassed or lack confidence in answering questions.
  • Be afraid that talking about sexuality will encourage sexual activities
  • Feel uncomfortable thinking of children as sexual beings.
  • Think the child is not ready for
  • Not have thought through or talked about family values and beliefs.
    

Consider what might happed if you do not talk with your child.
If a child doesn't learn about sexuality issues from a parent, the child will learn about sexuality elsewhere-from friends, magazines, television and other sources. This information can be incorrect, confusing and may not agree with the parent's beliefs. Research shows that uninformed children are at greater risk for early sexual activity, sexually transmitted diseases (including AIDS), pregnancy, sexual exploitation and abuse.

Focus on your goals.
Even if you are uncomfortable talking about sexuality, the purpose of these conversations with your child is usually to:

• answer questions and eliminate fears
• build the child's self-confidence

Plan how to respond to questions.
Parents who are uncomfortable talking about sexuality may find it helpful to plan what they will say and how they might answer their child's questions. When your child asks a question or does something that triggers a teachable moment, you may find this three-step response format useful:

• Make sure you know what the child is asking.
• (Ask your child, "Do you mean...?" or
• "Do you want to know about...?")

Discover why the child is asking. Is your child trying to:

• Check a fact?
• Make sure he or she is normal?
• Test your knowledge?
• Explore his or her values?
• Satisfy curiosity?

After you've decided what to say, keep it short and simple.

Respond immediately to your child's need to know.
Even if your child asks a question at a difficult time, it is better to answer right away, if only briefly. You can always resume the discussion later when you have collected your thoughts or when you have more privacy.

Be sensitive to your expressions and gestures.
The way you answer a question is sexuality education, too. Don't forget to smile, and remember that a good sense of humor can help communication.

Take the initiative, if necessary.
If, by age six, your child isn't asking questions, it's up to you to find moments to begin talking about sexuality issues. The earlier you begin communicating with your child, the easier it will be.

Get and give support.
Talk with other parents and see how they're doing. Find out about sexuality education programs offered by your school, religious organization or other community service groups.

If you have any concerns about your child's development,
talk with your healthcare provider, knowledgeable family members, or other parents. Reach out to others for information, understanding, and ideas on how to maintain open communication with your child. Support from others can help you and your child through the awkwardness and uncertainty of dealing with sexuality education.

Continue to Learn

Anticipate your child's questions by learning the stages of sexual development.
Behaviors vary widely, but the events listed below show the general process of sexual development, during childhood. Some of these phases are not as obvious as others. You may not know exactly when your child passes through a stage or exactly what your child learns. But you can prepare for the "visible" stages.

From birth to 3 years, children...

• learn or don't learn the importance of physical contact (closeness, cuddling, stroking, holding).
  
• learn about trust and intimacy through interactions with a parent.
  
• explore the physical world, including their bodies.
  
• learn parental attitudes about body functions and genitals during toilet training.
  
• learn to identify with male and female adult roles.
  
• may reject clothing (between ages 1 and 2).
  
• realize that they are boys or girls and learn the difference.
  
• discover sexual feelings. Boys have erections and girls experience fluid in the vagina.
  
• are curious about all parts of their bodies and, by 8 months, their penises or vaginas.
  
• rock and perform pelvic thrusting.
  
• may begin to show affection or sexual interest in each other, such as wrestling, hugging, kissing or looking at each other's genitals.
  
• may express curiosity about a parent's body.
  

• Why is your child doing this? It feels good. It reduces anxiety.
• What message do you want to send? Masturbation is OK, but it is private.
  
  Possible answer:
  I know that feels good, and you don't have to stop. I just want you to do it in private, because it's personal.
  

From 4 to 8 years, children..

• develop positive or negative feelings about their bodies and develop attitudes about the bodies of others.
  
• start asking questions and continue to learn from their perception of what is to be and act like boys and girls.
  
• engage in nonsexual childhood "sex play" such as "doctor and nurse" or "let's play house" games.
  
• learn sex words, but usually don't know their meanings.
  
• develop an ability to give and share affection
  
• learn a sense of modesty and/or shame.
  
• continue to discover self-pleasuring.
  
• tend to be interested in reproductions, pregnancy and birth.
  
• get very interested in adult and parental sexual behavior.
  
• may show strong affection toward the parent of the other sex
  

A typical situation...
Your 5-year-old daughter asks, "Mommy, how come you have breasts and I don't?"

• Why is your child asking this? She may need assurance that she is normal. She may be curious about how girls become women.
  
• What message do you want to send? I'm glad my daughter feels comfortable asking me questions like this. This is a good time to explain how girls become women.
  
  Possible answer:
  I'm glad you asked me. As you grow up, your body will change in lots of ways. One way is that your breasts will grow as you become a woman.
• From 9 to 12 years, children...
  
  • may be exposed to sex education in school
    
  • develop a sense of morality
  • continue to masturbate
    show signs of puberty

  Puberty is a stage of development when sexual maturity and reproductive capability begins. The first stages of puberty usually occur in the order listed below, but these physical and mental changes can begin earlier or later. A child's weight provides the most accurate indicator of when a change is likely to take place, but a parent needs to be alert for signs of change.
  
  Sexual contact by children of the same or other sex may occur before or during puberty. But sexual contact at these ages does not predict adult sexual behavior or orientation.
  
  Stages of Puberty in Girls

  • Around age 10 (or at about 68 pounds), a growth spurt occurs; ovaries begin to secrete sex hormones.
  • Around age 11, breast enlargement begins; body shape gradually rounds.
  • Around age 12, soft, downy pubic hair and some underarm hair appears.
  • Around age 13 (or about 106 pounds), menstruation starts. There may be an inconsistent and irregular discharge at first; pubic hair thickens and speads.
  Stages of Puberty in Boys
  
  • Around age 11, boys may have a "fat period."
  • Around age 12, penis and scrotum begin to increase in size; spontaneous erections occur more often.
  • Around age 13, pubic hair grows, followed by growth of underarm and facial hair. Ejaculation and wet dreams possible.
  • Around age 14, voice changes occur; weight and height may increase rapidly.
  A typical situation...
  As children get older, they want to know what words mean and to see your reaction. A 9-year-old asks, "What's a prostitute?"
  • Why is the child asking? Your child may have heard the word from friends or during a television program.
  • What is the message you want to send? You want to answer the question, but you also want your child to know what you think about prostitution.
    
    Possible answer:
    (It helps to begin with the facts.) A prostitute is a person who is willing to have sex in exchange for money. This is not legal in most of the country, but it happens anyway. Now I want to tell you what I think of prostitution...
  From 12 to 16 Years
  Adolescents are very concerned about body development, sexuality, self-esteem, their changing relationships with parents and friends, and their need to establish independence. In talking with teens, the goal is to give accurate information and help them discover what they feel. In doing so, they can take responsible control of their lives, particularly their sexual lives.
  
  A special word to parents of teenagers...
  Parents of children age 12 to 16 often worry that they may have missed their chance to educate their children about sexuality. Though teenagers may seem rebellious, they are often sensitive and sometimes very frightened. Since adolescence is a time of changes and choices, accurate information, active involvement and loving support from a parent can make a big difference.
  
  As they approach adolescence, young people need to know more about:
  
  • the way their bodies will change.
  • the nature of relationships, between friends, men and women, men and men, women and women, themselves and a parent.
    
  • the ups and downs in life, including depression and, sometimes, thoughts of suicide. Your askability is an invaluable asset at this stage. Crises about sexuality and relationships set off depression and anxiety.
    
  • their evolving sexuality. Now they are old enough to discuss the implications of what they think, feel and do. Young adolescents may feel pressure to act as if they know everything even when they are totally lost. Firm guidance from you and good communication with you will help your child. By postponing sexual activity, your teenager decreases the risk of sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS, and improves the odds against teen pregnancy. With your help, your teenager will develop and maintain a high level of self-esteem and make responsible decisions into adulthood.
  • your willingness to talk to them about all aspects of their lives remains important. Even if you prefer that they behave differently, make sure they know you care about their health and well-being.
    
  • sexual orientation. Teens are interested in the specifics of heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. They may discover their sexual orientation at this age.
    
  • the importance of good health. Adolescents should know about doctor-patient confidentiality, and why it's important that their doctor knows about their sexual habits. Make sure your child understands safer sex and behaviors that reduce the risk of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy.
    
  • common physical health concerns. For girls, it may be helpful to discuss pelvic examinations before the first visit to the gynecologist. You may want to talk about common physical health concerns of adolescents. Acne, for example, is a major cause of anxiety, and your support can make life easier.
    
  A typical situation...
A teen may ask, "When is it OK to have sex?"<
• Why is the teen asking? Your teen might be asking about a long-term possibility, or might want approval for the short term. Maybe he or she wants general information.
• What is the message you want to send? You respect and care about your teen and want to help him or her make the best choices possible.
  
  Possible answer:
  I'm very glad you asked me. I would ask myself several questions if I were thinking about having sex, like: "Do I really care about this person and does this person really care about me? Am I ready to have sex, and do I really want to? Does my partner really want to? Have we agreed on a reliable way to prevent sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy?"
  
  I feel that two people should be able to talk about these things before they have sex. I'd ask myself if I could handle the possible consequences by myself. I know that it's normal for people your age to be interested in sex. But most teenagers are not ready for the responsibility. Every year, a million girls get pregnant, and millions of teens get sexually transmitted diseases.
  
  I think sexuality is a complicated and important part of life, so let's talk about it some more. Let's talk about what you think you might want in a relationship.
  
Opening a conversation with a teen
Starting an intimate conversation with a teen can be difficult if you've not talked much about intimate subjects before. It's important not to invade a teen's privacy, and it may be easier to start a conversation by talking about a television character, for example. Questions such as "How do you feel...?" allow for more conversation opportunities than questions that can be answered with a "yes" or a "no."

Questions about your child's friends are an excellent way to show that you're interested in your child's social life. By finding out what your child's friends are doing, you have an opportunity to find out what your child thinks. Children at this and all ages need to know that if they are doing something "wrong," it is the behavior you object to, not them.

The next steps
You can influence your child by listening, observing behavior and by talking with him or her. By providing up-to-date information, you give your child (and yourself) a chance to make informed decisions. The child with a strong, positive, proud sense of his or her sexuality will make careful, responsible decisions. And thanks to you, your child may well grow up to be an Askable Parent too!