Opening a conversation

Starting an intimate conversation with a teen can be difficult if you've not talked much about intimate subjects before. But remember--talking about sexual health is an ongoing discussion, and you can take many opportunities to continue the conversation.

There are different ways to encourage conversation. Questions such as "How do you feel...?" allow for more conversation opportunities than questions that can be answered with a "yes" or a "no." Questions about your child's friends are an excellent way to show that you're interested in your child's social life. By finding out what your child's friends are doing, you have an opportunity to find out what your child thinks. You can also find out if and when the topic will be addressed at school, then time your discussions to coincide with the information offered in the classroom.

Your willingness to talk to them about all aspects of their lives remains important. Even if you prefer that they behave differently, make sure they know you care about their health and well-being. Children at this and all ages need to know that if they are doing something "wrong," it is the behavior you object to, not them.

A possible scenario . . .
Your teen may ask, "When is it OK to have sex?" Why is your teen asking? He or she might be asking about a long-term possibility, or might want approval for the short term. Maybe he or she just wants general information. What is the message you want to send? You respect and care about your teen and want to help him or her make the best choices possible.

A possible answer:
"I'm very glad you asked me. I would ask myself several questions if I were thinking about having sex, like: Do I really care about this person and does this person really care about me? Am I ready to have sex, and do I really want to? Does my partner really want to? Have we agreed on a reliable way to prevent sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy?

"I feel that two people should be able to talk about these things before they have sex. I'd ask myself if I could handle the possible consequences by myself. I know that it's normal for people your age to be interested in sex. I think sexuality is an important part of life, so let's talk about it some more. Let's talk about what you think you might want in a relationship."

Next steps

You can influence your child by listening, observing behavior and by talking with him or her. By providing up-to-date information, you give your child (and yourself) a chance to make informed decisions. The child with a strong, positive, proud sense of his or her sexuality will make careful, responsible decisions. And thanks to you, your child may well grow up to be an askable parent too!